I count my macros as part of my diet, going hand in hand with crossfit. Husband and I allow ourselves to cheat occasionally. Last week we had donuts. They were delicious, and I felt like shit almost immediately.
Logically I know that. I still just HURT all the time for not knowing how to navigate these waters. And I feel selfish. I'm acting as respectfully as I know how to. Communicating all the time. Not crossing lines. Not apologizing for how I feel, because I can't help that. But really wishing either I'd realized I was poly before getting married, or that I could just be mono and be happy about it.
At this time husband is open to the idea of swinging. He's open to sex with other people as long as we're both participating at the same time. He equates polyamory with sex more than with love, and is not open to me having one-on-one time with another romantic partner. His idea of being open doesn't appeal to me at all, because I need to feel connected to want to have sex with someone.
Trying to figure out how to meet both my needs and his. Feeling discouraged.
Had a conversation with husband last night. He's aware that I'm in love with my best friend (also male). He's ok with that fact, or at least gives every indication that he's ok with it, and he's not the kind of person who would hide his reservations. BF and I are not partnered. My feelings are not returned. That's ok. He exists as proof to me that I can love two people at once.
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