Forgot about Mastodon for a... bit :p
Been busy, and in the background listening to a bunch of Multiamory podcast eps. Really helpful stuff.
Currently in early stage talks with a couple with a possible view of dating them. I've not been a unicorn in a LONG time and these guys are complete newbs so I'm not sure if I'm just wasting my time, but I'm hoping at the very least they are more informed after talking with them and don't hurt people in their experimentings...
@kalliope interesting! I definitely noticed that when my husband and I first started hanging around poly events, people we're pretty wary of us - and we weren't even looking for a unicorn. What are some flags (red or green) you look for when interacting with newbies?
@poly_pockets honestly, having come out of a decade of monogamy and only about 10 months of very wonderful bf, and no other relationships yet, I am not sure. Green flags would be curiosity, asking a lot of questions, honesty, openness. I have 2 of those with the couple I'm talking with. But I am getting a lot more engagement with her, and I think he's a bit codependent and relies on her for his identity (red flag). But they are super honest I think, which is refreshing!
@kalliope that makes sense. I found that in the whirlwind of opening up a long term monogamous relationship that I felt to be pretty stable, my husband and I initially spun into some more codependent patterns. I think the willingness to identify problems within the relationship and move towards solutions is another important green flag.
@poly_pockets @kalliope this is something I recognized in my relationship compared to how I used before. Could be an age thing also. But there's so much communication. Not just relationship even... Feelings, hopes, family, everything. It's one of the reasons moving in together made sense to the three of us at once. It was a lightbulb and a "duh" moment at the same time.
As a dragon (male word for unicorn) I've seen that poly newbie couple treat me way differently than my unicorn friends, even when we date the same couple! Usually they are more inquisitive and respectful toward me, and more demeaning or dismissive of unicorns. As if I could teach them more just because I'm a "manly man".
I don't know if that's because I exert more confidence or if it's their inherent social upbringing still stuck in them. So please make sure you put YOU first.
@Jerrik yeah I think that is social conditioning. But that's likely to be even worse in standard couples where the guy is het and looking only for a unicorn not a dragon (I prefer the term narwhal 😊!) it's been so long since I even entertained the idea but back in the day it was what I wanted with my whole heart. I'm very cautious now though, especially with newbs. At this point I'm not sure they are willing to do the work though, they are not showing enough curiosity or self reflection...
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