Bored at work so I thought I might do this thing!

I'm 30 and living in Brooklyn, no kids but 2 cats. My husband and I started dating in high school, we only recently eloped but have been together without interruption for about 15 years. We are freshly open. Having little exposure to the non-monog community IRL, we decided to go from never-been-with-anyone-else monogomous to polyamory beginning in February of this year. I now realize how insane that is, but didn't at the time.

@poly_pockets how has it been so far? I just "educated" another mono woman

and got the usual thanks but no thanks.... Sigh. Used to it by now. Oh well. Time for a walk and some red bull I'm falling asleep

@JoshRollins That stinks, I'm sorry. This has been an ongoing problem for my husband as well, but he recently started seeing a couple he met at a local poly event. It's slow going, but promising. I have been seeing one person consistently since February. New partner identifies as monogamous so... that has been interesting.

Most of the struggles we have had so far stem from inconsistencies in how my husband and I see our non-monogamy. He trends more towards swinging, and I'm more poly.

@poly_pockets yeah.. see what I don't get is that she was on Tinder. Not my usual go to because usually I want something more than just casual, but ok. It's her though that says that because I'm in a serious relationship, it's"too casual" for her.

Me being having two partners for several years and looking for something more than a fling means I'm TOO casual? I just can't deal with this logic. And I see that often.

Ok sorry had to vent a bit. Feel a bit better actually. Time for red bull.

@JoshRollins Vent away!

I wonder if what she means is that, as a monogamous person, she feels like she would be forced to keep it casual because she doesn't feel comfortable imagining a future with a poly person.

I frequently feel like my partner puts up walls because he sees me as temporary... I'm practice for his future perfect monogamous wifey. If the time we actually spend together didn't feel as good I would have ended it by now. Even so, it's clearly not a fantastic situation.

@poly_pockets well, if you're on Tinder, looking for guys, and say you want something casual, I would think you want something casual. Which is not ideal for me but ok. On the other hand, if you want to keep a door open to something more serious, I'm definitely ok with that (assuming it works out)

So... It's basically that she feels that if I'm not monogamous she can't be serious with me in a maybe situation she's imagining... This is bananas. I'm practically saying I'm good for both.

@poly_pockets @poly_pockets monos man. I don't get it. *shrug*

Sounds like she and your guy would be good for each other... Just saying.

@poly_pockets had my red bull, some additional sugar... Ok let's see if I can read up on some geek shit.

Building a fancy door bell out of a raspberry pi makes more sense to me then this. I also think that the resulting relationship will be more beneficial...

@JoshRollins @poly_pockets Oh man, I've had these troubles too. I've stopped trying to date monos just for these reasons. Fine as friends, but too much work and heartache to date. 😕

@Jerrik @poly_pockets yeah I keep telling myself that... But as a person who doesn't like social mixers and the like, not much options

@Jerrik @JoshRollins I've heard this from many poly people.


I'm too invested now...

@poly_pockets @JoshRollins I'm in a relationship, that, while I love him hugely, we are both very aware he doesn't fulfil quite a few of my needs, and he knows that if the right person came along, I could choose to be monogamous again; I'm poly-flexible. However he doesn't seem to hold back emotionally, no walls, and that makes it harder for me not to get attached. It kinda sucks. I do hope I can find a poly nesting partner so I don't potentially lose him, but I know the pool is a lot smaller 😞

@JoshRollins sorry, that wasn't very clear. I'm responding to @kalliope 's comment about her partner.

@poly_pockets difficult question to answer... (and sorry @JoshRollins that you're being confused!)... the connection we share is deep and quite amazing. But that comes paired with fairly consistent desire on my part for his desires to align more with mine. If I had a nesting partner I don't think it would be as hard, but then we probably wouldn't be in as regular communication etc.

@kalliope @JoshRollins I can understand how complicated the situation is. Being on the other side is also tough, but I'm deciding to stick around for now. It feels good, that's enough.

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